Halo
by Matrix14
Summary: Quite different (i think). S/J. Sam's gone and Jack tries to cope. Will he be able to, or will he crack? read to find out (dum dum dum!)............sorry, that really sucked, didn't it?


Rating: PG13  
Summary: Sam's dead and Jack's remembering. Quite sad.  
Content warning: Character death (x2) and suicide.  
Spoilers: Divide and Conquer, Window of Opportunity, COTG (very minor).  
Set: About a year after season 4.  
  
This fic is dedicated to Chrissie: Even though your halo might slip, we know it still shines.  
  
  
Halo  
~~~  
  
Jack slammed the door and collapsed onto the couch. He didn't know how he managed to get  
home in one piece, all he could see was that mission, all he could hear was that scream. He  
sighed and looked up at the ceiling. What had happened? The last day had been a blur of pain  
and something else that Jack hadn't felt for years...grief. To sit there through the debriefing, all  
the while replaying what had happened in his mind, to walk into the infirmary and see Janet's  
face as she told him what they'd done. To feel heart wrenching anguish rip through him and feel  
grief like a knife, stabbing him in the chest. To feel the anger at how unfair it was. To feel that  
he needed to do the one thing he'd not done since Charlie. He needed to cry. But he hadn't, he'd  
refused to cry in front of Daniel. Daniel already had tears rolling silently down his face, and Jack  
knew that if he cried, Daniel would just break down completely. Daniel had lost a friend, a sister,  
someone who he had a unique bond with, someone who understood him. The closest he'd had to  
family since his parents died. But Jack had lost something he couldn't comprehend, something   
that he didn't realise was there until it was gone.  
  
She'd been there with a smile when he walked in in the morning, she'd been there when he left.  
She'd laughed at his jokes, no matter how bad they were and she'd never made him feel stupid  
because he didn't understand what she was talking about. Now she wouldn't be there ever, she'd   
never laugh at his jokes, he'd feel continually stupid because there was no one there to explain   
like she did.  
  
He knew he shouldn't feel like this, after all he was in the military, you lost people all the time,   
but this was different. They'd all had this understanding between them, so deep that no one could  
penetrate it. Now she was gone, they'd send some one else and it would rip the team apart.   
Before they were SG1, now they'd just be some group of people led by Colonel O'Niell.  
  
Teal'c hadn't said anything, he'd just stood there, looking even more serious than usual if that was  
possible. He'd never really been close to any of the others the way they had, he'd always been   
the one on the outside. Always the one the people on the other planets were afraid of because of  
his tatoo, always the one that looked out of place. He'd distanced himself, he never seemed to  
feel anything, but he did feel this. He felt it not as hard as anyone else did, but he felt loss. He   
felt the loss of a friend. And it hurt.  
  
Jack knew he hadn't accepted what had happened, it hadn't registered that Sam was gone. Boy,  
that hurt when he just said it in his mind. Sam was gone.  
Daniel was coming round later on. He said it was because he needed company, but Jack knew it  
was because he was checking up on him. Seeing that he didn't do anything crazy.  
But Jack didn't want to do anything crazy. He didn't want to do anything period. He felt numb,  
like he couldn't feel anything, he couldn't move, he was just paralysed, trying to get a grip on  
what had happened.  
  
He got up to take his jacket off, not realising that he'd trodden on the C.D. player remote control.  
He was at the door when a song started. He froze, brought out of his trance like state as the   
words started.  
  
//Bright light city,  
Your heart's religion.//  
  
He moved back into the room and sank down onto the couch again and closed his eyes.  
  
//Superstars in their own private movies,  
Play just like children.  
Flies to take her,  
Places she's never seen.//  
  
All the places they'd been through the 'gate. Jack had wanted to take her somewhere with a  
sarcophagus, but General Hammond put his foot down. Jack had ended up yelling at him and   
having to be dragged away by Daniel. That was the only time he'd lost control.  
  
//The kiss and tell of it all,  
To her it seems so obscene.//  
  
Jack remembered how he'd kissed her when they were in the time loops. He remembered the   
look of shock on her face just before he kissed her. She never remembered. At least she knew   
how he felt about her, thanks to the za'tarc fiasco.  
  
//She's so pretty,  
Her hair is a mess.//  
  
Jack thought about the way Sam had been good looking. Not in a drop dead gorgeous fashion   
model way, but in an intelligent, 'pretty' way. In a way that bewitched him and that made him  
respect her.  
  
//We all love her,  
To that we confess.//  
  
He loved her. He didn't know when it had happened. Gradually she'd stopped being Major   
Carter and become Sam, not that he ever called her that. He never told her how he felt. They'd  
admitted they had feelings for each other after the za'tarc tests, but he'd never sat down and   
talked to her about it. He hated himself for it now, for not admitting that he was in love with her,  
but he was sure she knew. There was just something in the way that she sometimes looked at him  
when she was explaining all her 'techno-babble' to him that told him that she understood.  
  
//She has a halo,  
We really do adore her.//  
  
Jack thought about that first mission when he'd told her he adored her. Of course he'd been   
joking, but he never dreamt that it would come true and that he would really adore her five years   
later.  
  
//For she has a halo,  
Can we touch her?//  
  
Jack had a sudden flashback of the mission. He heard her scream his name, saw himself running  
towards the sound to find her lying on the ground in a pool of blood. Saw them bringing her   
back through the 'gate and then Janet's face when she told him they'd switched of the life support  
machines. He felt himself crumple internally as if his body had given up. He saw himself   
standing there, watching Daniel cry as he held her hand. He saw himself walk out because he  
knew that he couldn't keep control if he stayed. Maybe he should have lost control, maybe he   
should have sat next to her and wept.  
  
//She   
Believes in everything.  
And she,  
Believes in nothing,  
In everything.//  
  
And it had been his fault. He'd decided that it wouldn't be a problem if they split up. He'd been   
bored with Daniel's babbling about old pieces of rock so he'd walked off on his own. He was  
standing watching the river when he heard the scream. It had just been a single scream of 'Jack!'  
and he'd gone running, knowing it was her. It chilled him to think of it.  
And it had been his fault.  
  
//She's so pretty,  
Her hair is a mess.//  
  
It was his fault that Sam was dead. His fault.  
He stood up and ran upstairs. He couldn't cope with what he'd done. He had to explain. He had  
to tell Sam that he was sorry.  
  
//We all love her,  
To that we confess.//  
  
He came back down the stairs and grabbed a bottle of vodka. He emptied the bottle of asparin  
onto the table and saw that there were about twenty pills. He grabbed the photo of him and Sam,  
taken by Daniel last time they were on leave. It looked as if Jack had just said something stupid  
and Sam was laughing at him while he stood, looking bemused. Sam looked so happy then, so   
different. She'd got on jeans and a little t-shirt thing and it was amazing what a difference it made  
to her appearance when she was out of uniform.  
  
//She has a halo,  
We really do adore her.//  
  
He picked up a handful of pills and put them in his mouth, taking a swig from the bottle. He  
swallowed them and then sat and waited for them to take effect. Slowly, he started to feel dizzy  
as if he was on the verge of falling over. He lay back with his head against the arm of the couch.  
He felt himself slipping further into unconciousness and only just managed to find the remote   
control to turn the music off.  
  
//For she has a halo,  
Can we touch her?//  
  
He closed his eyes, at last feeling that he was going somewhere peaceful.   
Suddenly, he heard a voice, calling him,  
"Jack!" It was Sam. But Sam was dead. He'd watched her die. "Jack!" She called again.  
He half opened his eyes slowly and saw a figure standing across the room. He tried to get up to  
see who it was, but he couldn't move. The figure moved towards him. It was Sam. She was  
glowing as if some kind of light was shining from her, giving her a holy sort of look. It couldn't  
be her, maybe he was halucinating from the pills. But she looked so real.  
"Sam?" Jack croaked.  
"I'm here. You must relax. Let yourself go."  
"No. Need to...explain."  
"No, I understand....Let yourself go, Jack."   
Jack looked at her and remembered something in the back of his mind,   
"You really do have a halo."  
She smiled and reached out her hand to touch his forehead. He felt an amazing calm fall over   
everything and he seemed to be floating away. He closed his eyes again and felt a kiss on his   
forehead, almost like a breeze brushing his skin.  
  
The vodka bottle slipped out of his hand and spilt all over the floor.  
  
That was how Daniel found him when he came round that evening, lying on the couch, pills and  
vodka all over the floor, looking peaceful with a smile on his face.  
  
The next day when Daniel went back to Jack's house after the memorial service for both Sam   
and Jack, He noticed the C.D. player was on pause. He switched it on and understood why Jack  
had done what he had.  
  
//She has a halo,  
We really do adore her.  
For she has a halo,  
Can we touch her?//  
  
  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Disclaimer: Roses are red,  
Violets are blue,  
Me no own,  
So you no sue!  
(Sorry about that, my friend Jenni thought of it and I just had to use it. Soz Jenni!)  
I don't own anything except the plot, the characters belong to whoever invented   
Stargate (praise be to their name) and the song 'Halo' belongs to Texas.  
  
Author's Note: Sorry if that was really depressing as well as being really bad, but I just felt in one  
of those moods, you know?  
Oh yeah, as a way of repaying the debt (cos I borrowed Jenni's rhyme) please check out  
the fics by kungfu_kitty, they're really good. They're a retake on Big Brother. They're seriously   
funny!  
Thankyou for reading, please review!  
  
  



End file.
